One foot in the Waldegrave

I have been out of Britain for the last week. It was quite simple to arrange, really. I went to a travel agent and said: "Can you name a sun-drenched, cheap, unspoilt, well-developed, deserted holiday spot where the Scott report has never been heard of?"

She named one. I bought a ticket to go there. And there I was all last week, far from the merry-go-round of the news lottery. And yet my mind kept going back to a news item I'd heard on Radio 4 just before leaving, all about the way Hollywood was doing remakes of TV classics. The Prisoner ... Mission Impossible... that thing with Roger Moore and Tony Curtis ... Sergeant Bilko ... Sergeant Bilko! How dare they remake Sergeant Bilko! What sacrilege! It would be like remaking Tony Hancock's programmes...

Then I had my brilliant idea. Remaking the Scott report! As a musical? As a drama? No, as situation comedy, which is surely what it is. The Tories, if nobody else, treated it as sitcom. They taught everyone on their side their familiar lines and catch-phrases, which they were to repeat at every opportunity, no matter how inapposite it was, and if that is not a definition of sitcom...

Let me give you an example. The scene is the household of the Waldegrave family. Mr W is a nice chap fallen among politicians. Mrs W is a famous cook and dietician. They are expecting a visit from Sir Nicholas Lyell, and are busy locking the family silver away, just in case.

Caroline: Have you actually read the Scott report, dear?

William: I don't know. I may have done. I may not have done. I have to read so many reports. It may have been one of them. I can't remember...

Caroline: It's all right, William! You're at home now! You're not on TV! You can relax.

William: I may be able to relax, but I am not duplicitous. That is the central fact that shines out of the report. He says so. He says: "Mr Waldegrave told everyone lies, but he did not know he was doing so". So that's all right.

Caroline: Of course it is, dear... By the way, have you seen today's paper anywhere?

William: I may have done. I may not have done. If I have, I have forgotten seeing it. The crucial thing to remember is that I am sincere. He says so. "Mr Waldegrave says he could not remember seeing the paper, but although he was lying, he meant what he was saying". Now that you mention it, I have seen the paper. It is in my hand here.

Caroline: Good. I just wanted to see if you had resigned or not.

William: Why should I resign? Caroline: Well, to be honest, William, I would actually be quite happy if you did resign. How long have you been in politics now? Twelve years? More?

William: It may be. It may not be. I cannot remember. But this I will say. We may be a pack of knaves, but there was no conspiracy. We may be a bunch of idiots, but at least we hadn't got the brains to mount a conspiracy. He says so. He says, and I quote...

Caroline: William! Stop it! PLEASE!!! You're at home now! There is nothing you have said for the last two weeks that hasn't been taught to you parrot fashion by Tory Central Office!

William: Well, perhaps so, but the crucial thing to remember is that I am parroting these thing sincerely...

Caroline: Sincere? What does that actually mean?

William: It means I hadn't the faintest idea what I was doing, so I can't be held responsible for anything I've ever done.

ENTER SIR NICHOLAS LYELL, TRYING NOT TO LOOK SHIFTY.

Nicholas: Morning, William. You well?

William: I may be well. I may not be well. But I am certainly not duplicitous. He says so.

Nicholas: He certainly does. Morning, Caroline.

Caroline: Morning, Sir Nicholas. Cup of coffee?

SHE HOLDS OUT A STEAMING CUP OF BLACK LIQUID. HE INSPECTS IT SUSPICIOUSLY.

Nicholas: Well, it looks like one. It certainly isn't a gagging order. Lots of people have been running a smear campaign, saying it is actually a gagging order. But he says it wasn't. Isn't. It's a cup of coffee. Not a gagging order.

I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. I think that's as much as anyone can take ... Oh, and by the way, this piece has been sent in before I got back, so if by any chance either Waldegrave or Lyell has resigned meanwhile ... No, sorry. I am being silly.