Model scheme

The last thing we want is for those fierce watchdogs at the Financial Services Authority to start barking at us. So let us declare at once that this personal financial advice is being offered on a non-professional basis. Such an investment is not suitable for all, and the opportunities for subscribing to it are, sadly, limited.

The last thing we want is for those fierce watchdogs at the Financial Services Authority to start barking at us. So let us declare at once that this personal financial advice is being offered on a non-professional basis. Such an investment is not suitable for all, and the opportunities for subscribing to it are, sadly, limited.

Forget about the state pension, linked to earnings or not. Allow us to introduce the Anna Nicole Smith retirement savings plan. The basic principles are fairly straightforward. Low risk is ensured by marrying the oldest tycoon you can possibly find who can still draw breath. High returns are guaranteed by finding a plutocrat. (The late) J Howard Marshall II is the original example: a former oil man who amassed a vast personal fortune. Without being indelicate, life expectancies for 90-year-old men who marry 25-year-old models tend to be modest, so the initial investment (your pride) can be converted into a handy retirement nest egg of perhaps $449m within, say, 14 months. And the rest of us get the pleasure of magazine picture captions such as: "J Howard relaxes in his wheelchair while Anna chooses gems". Give or take a little legal hassle from the relatives, you, too, can retire at the age of 32. A model scheme.