‘I was abused by my stepfather, step-grandfather and husband, but my mother said it didn’t matter’
Even her own half-sister and half-brother – her stepfather’s biological children – don’t believe what happened to her. A domestic and sexual abuse survivor tells her story to Jane Dalton
After suffering sexual abuse from her stepfather and step-grandfather over two decades, Barbara* finally plucked up the courage to tell her mother about it.
“Her response was, ‘Oh yes, I knew it was going on, but it didn’t matter because it was you. Better to keep it in the family than for him to go out and abuse someone outside of the family,’” she recalls.
Barbara is now estranged from her mother, who even tried to get her to go back to her own abusive ex-husband who controlled her food, her wages and whom she spoke to: “At one point I went down to six-and-a-half stone.”
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She reveals her story following The Independent’s launch of the Brick by Brick campaign with the charity Refuge, which aims to raise ?300,000 to build a safe house for domestic abuse survivors to find their freedom.
She describes how her then-partner would throw her down the stairs and explode in rage if his dinner wasn’t on the table at the exact same time each day. He also sexually abused her.
Barbara never reported his crimes to the police, convinced she wouldn’t be listened to. But years after finding the courage to leave the marriage, she started a group for abuse survivors: “The police were no help at all. Nor the county council. I asked whether they had any leaflets or support materials. I got no support from the police and crime commissioner or my MP.”
“You’re the first person ‘in authority’ who’s listened to me,” the 64-year-old tells The Independent.
Her experience highlights how victims of domestic abuse and violence may be ignored, dismissed or disbelieved – an attitude she says just rubs salt in the wound.
Barbara’s trauma began when she was eight. “We had to walk across two fields to get milk in the morning. My step-grandfather walked with me, and he started touching me. He told me that if I told anyone, I would be punished by the devil, and no one would believe me. I was frightened,” she says.
“After we moved house, my stepfather picked up where my step-grandfather left off.
“I used to think, ‘What am I doing wrong by having all this done to me? Am I wearing the wrong clothes? Am I saying the wrong thing?’ And you feel dirty. It felt as though my body wasn’t my body. It was just there for other people.”
At 17 or 18, Barbara spoke up and told her stepfather it wasn’t right, but the abuse continued until she left home to get married 10 years later.
She says: “I had to have dinner on the table dead on 5pm. If I didn’t, he would hit me and throw me down the stairs. He sexually abused me too. I pretended I was asleep hoping he would leave me alone, but that didn’t work.”
Her husband convinced her no one would believe her if she told them.
“My mother said, ‘When you get married, you make your bed and you lie in it,’” she adds.
After years of wondering what she had done to deserve this, Barbara met a new partner, whom she credits with starting a new life.
Barbara says: “She said, ‘You are worth far more than they are – they are scum. You are a lovely person. You can’t live in that environment – he will kill you.’”
Her advice for anyone in a similar situation is to tell someone who will listen: “Go to a safe place, even if you go to your doctor. Go somewhere where you feel safe and someone is going to listen to you.”
Even Barbara’s own half-sister and half-brother – her stepfather’s biological children – don’t believe what happened to her.
And she is sure the problem is still being ignored in wider society, explaining: “Sometimes in town, I wonder what’s going on behind closed doors. Because it happens in all walks of life, you can be poor, you can be middle-class, you can be rich – it doesn’t matter.
“My support group finished as I didn’t get much support with it. And it’s difficult to advertise a group like that because if you do, you could potentially get a perpetrator outside the hall.”
She says that is why refuges for domestic violence victims are so vital, concluding: “I’m lucky to be alive, because my partner really kept me going through all of it, and she’s listened to me. But not everyone has a partner like her.”
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise ?300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future.
Rape Crisis offers support for those affected by rape and sexual abuse. You can call them on 0808 802 9999 in England and Wales, 0808 801 0302 in Scotland, and 0800 0246 991 in Northern Ireland, or visit their website at www.rapecrisis.org.uk. If you are in the US, you can call Rainn on 800-656-HOPE (4673).
*Name has been changed for legal reasons