auntie ag & uncle ony

I have met this amazing boy in this club I go to. He's beautiful looking and a brilliant dancer. I've been seeing him at the club and dancing and snogging with him for a few weeks now, but then last night he asked if he could walk me home. I've never heard him say anything before and he's got this really annoying stupid-sounding voice. Now I feel, like, amazingly depressed.

Debbie, Barnsley

Uncle Ony: Depression, Debbie, is always a sign of a conflict within one's personality. It is nature's way of telling you that you are following a wrong path. You need to ask yourself why a simple disappointment over the sound of a young man's voice should trigger these psychological symptoms. Search through your past - do you remember any incidents to do with "stupid- sounding" men's voices as a child which may have disturbed you?

Auntie Ag: (Oh for God's sakes Ony, if any woman tried to remember all the times she's been bothered by stupid-sounding men's voices she'd be dead before she finished.) Debbie, darling, this young whippersnapper sounds absolutely delicious but I think the best bet might be to keep him for dancing and snogging within the confines of the club, and to find another one for talking to.

My parents live close to me and I usually go to them for Sunday lunch and for dinner once or twice during the week. The trouble is, I'm trying to lose weight and my mother cooks really, really fattening food: treacle suet roll with ice cream and custard; meat pie with chips and bread and butter; fried cream. She won't take no for an answer and it has turned into a battle of wills, with her trying to get me to eat all this stuff and have second helpings.

Rachel, Wigan.

Uncle Ony: A problem with food in any relationship is always indicative of some deeper malaise or conflict. Your mother is clearly using food as a means to control, and to reassure herself that she still has power over you and is needed. The next time you eat together, place your plate in the centre of the table, confront her with this, and force the entire family to talk it through.

Auntie Ag: ( Oh don't be silly Ony, no one wants to have family rows in psychobabble over plates of fried cream.) Rachel, darling. Don't you think you're being a tiny bit selfish - allowing your poor old Mum to slave away providing meals for you then complaining about her taste in food? Take her out for a light modern dinner, for God's sakes, or cook her a little bit of fish with some greens. Then if she complains you're trying to starve her, you could perhaps come to some sort of deal.

A few months ago I rather let myself down with a Dominican video rental service engineer who was adjusting my remote control. As a consequence I am now pregnant, which I am extremely happy about apart from the fact that people keep asking me who the father is? What should I say?

Ruth, Leicester

Uncle Ony: It concerns me that you are more concerned with the social implications of this irresponsible scenario than the well-being of your child. This is not a matter to be entered into lightly and it is imperative you seek counselling to ensure that you fully understand what you are taking on and are emotionally, mentally, and practically equipped to do so, before proceeding with this pregnancy. How, for example, are you going to explain the issue of the father to your child. That is the important thing.

Auntie Ag: Darling, confidence is all in these situations and, frankly, it's none of the nosy parkers' bloody business. Simply beam at them beatifically, murmur "I'm afraid I'm being frightfully Koo Stark", then breathe through your nose and do a bit of yoga.