What Boris Johnson said during his lockdown roadmap speech – and what he really meant

What Boris Johnson said: Mr Speaker, with permission, I will make a statement on the roadmap that will guide us – cautiously but irreversibly – towards reclaiming our freedoms while doing all we can to protect our people against Covid.

What he really meant: Normally I would burble on about Scylla and Charybdis, but this is a tricky operation so I’ll keep it plain as I navigate between the freedom-loving libertarians behind me and the great British public who want the lockdown toughened up and extended for ever.

What he said: Today’s measures will apply in England, but we are working closely with the devolved administrations who are setting out similar plans.

What he meant: Devolution has been a disaster. It is all Tony Blair’s fault. I am left as some kind of jumped-up elected mayor of Little England.

What he said: No vaccine can ever be 100 per cent effective, nor will everyone take them up, and like all viruses, Covid-19 will mutate … There is therefore no credible route to a zero covid Britain or indeed a zero covid world.

What he meant: Get real, people. Even if you think I’m a buffoon, no prime minister and no government could protect everyone completely. We are going to have to live with some risk.

What he said: We are setting out on what I hope and believe is a one way road to freedom.

What he meant: I am about to U-turn.

What he said: The level of infection is broadly similar across England, so we will ease restrictions in all areas at the same time.

What he meant: I am not getting into a fight with Andy Burnham, mayor of Greater Manchester, again. That was a tough one.

What he said: At every stage, our decisions will be led by data not dates.

What he meant: I am Winston Churchill’s heir. I can turn a phrase.

What he said: Before taking each step we will review the data against these tests and – because it takes at least four weeks for the data to reflect the impact of relaxations in restrictions, and we want to give the country a week’s notice before each change – there will be at least five weeks between each step.

What he meant: I am going to set out the longest possible timetable like a pettifogging bureaucrat operating a computer that says no – to give myself plenty of scope for announcing good news of earlier relaxations later.

What he said: The chief medical officer is clear that moving any faster would mean acting before we know the impact of each step, which would increase the risk of us having to reverse course and re-impose restrictions.

What he meant: I have made the mistake of dismissing Chris Whitty as a bit of a worrier before, so I’ll do as I’m told.

What he said: In step two non-essential retail will reopen, as will personal care including hairdressers I’m glad to say, and nail salons.

What he meant: Oh, you noticed my hair?

What he said: We will begin to re-open our pubs and restaurants outdoors and honourable members will be relieved there will be no curfew; and the Scotch Egg debate will be over because there will be no requirement for alcohol to be accompanied by a substantial meal.

What he meant: I have learned a lesson about stupid rules that no one respects, so we will make different mistakes coming out of lockdown from the ones we made going in.

What he said: Step three will begin no earlier than 17 May … And this is the point when you will be able to see your friends and family indoors – subject to the Rule of Six or the meeting of two households.

What he meant: If I can do it earlier, I’ll do it earlier, but I can’t admit a whisper of a possibility of that at this point because my fellow reptiles in the press gallery will go doolally.

What he said: And the turnstiles of our sports stadia will once again rotate ...

What he meant: I think I can get away with a bit of colour now. Got to keep people awake.

What he said: Step 4 will begin no earlier than 21 June. With appropriate mitigations, we will aim to remove all legal limits on social contact, and on weddings and other life events. We will re-open everything up to and including nightclubs.

What he meant: You will be wearing a mask for ever.

What he said: Our journey back towards normality will be subject to resolving a number of key questions and to do this we will conduct four reviews.

What he meant: All the difficult questions will be referred to the fudge factory.

What he said: I know there will be many people who will be worried that we are being too ambitious and that it is arrogant to impose any kind of plan upon a virus … And of course there will be others who will believe that we could go faster on the basis of that vaccination programme.

What he meant: There are extremists on both sides of this debate, but I shall pose as Mr Utterly Reasonable, taking a measured middle position. It was a rhetorical device Tony Blair used a lot and it worked well for him.

What he said: But to them I say that today the end really is in sight and a wretched year will give way to a spring and a summer that will be very different and incomparably better than the picture we see around us today.

What he meant: I just can’t help myself. Uplands. Bright skies. Optimism. Hullo clouds; hullo sky. Skip through the meadows. Bring me sunshine.