Millie Mackintosh on sobriety, shame and the ‘grey areas’ we don’t talk about

When I speak with Millie Mackintosh about her new book, Bad Drunk, it only takes a few minutes before one of us says the “S” word. No, not sobriety. I mean the word shame. We spoke highly of sober celebrities and the sober curious movement and discussed the best alcohol-free drinks – Millie usually reaches for a Three Spirit or a can of Trip, in case you’re interested – and we both agreed that it’s actually pretty cool to be a non-drinker these days.

The difficult part of the conversation, the one that made us shift into our seats, was the mention of shame. Mackintosh’s perfectly curated Instagram feed and enviable wellness routine of smoothies and Pilates might, at first glance, convince you that she is a woman who has never felt a shred of self-loathing or misplaced confidence. But this is precisely why she decided to write her new book, which explores her relationship with alcohol.

“I really wanted to write this book because I wish I had read it.?I wish I’d read it as a young girl, as a teen, and I also wish I’d had it when I stopped drinking to support me through that process,” she tells me. “I wanted to try and help other people that felt a similar way to me, like they didn’t necessarily need to go to rehab, and didn’t feel like AA was the right fit for them, but they wanted to change their relationship with alcohol. They didn’t like the way that they were behaving when they were drinking, they didn’t like the way that it was controlling their behaviour.”

In Bad Drunk, she describes weekends lost to hangovers, picking fights, not feeling capable of caring for her kids, uncontrollable anxiety and a cycle of deteriorating self-esteem that led to more drinking and prescription tranquilisers. It’s a huge admission to record everything you’ve ever felt ashamed about and then release those words into the world, “but,” she says, “I thought if I’m going to do the book, I really can’t hold back.”

Millie Mackintosh’s TV career meant she was no stranger to seeing unpleasant things written about her in tabloids and magazines. “The sorts of things I’ve written about in the book are the kinds of things I used to worry the press would print about me but I wanted to put the really uncomfortable parts in because that’s what people connect with. It’s been really cathartic and energetically freeing now it’s out. I feel lighter like I can really let go. Shining a light on the darker parts of me, bringing them out into the light – I think that’s a really important way to let go of shame.”

While we’re discussing shame, we also touch on competitiveness, perfectionism and the other seemingly innocuous emotions that can push feelings of shame to the extreme. Mackintosh explains that an AA meeting might not feel like the right setting for some, for a variety of reasons.

“I think the words ‘sober’ or ‘alcoholic’ have got such negative connotations attached to them and there is this judgment and stigma. But realising there are so many other people out there like me, mums and people in their 30s who have had these troubles with alcohol since their teens and are now realising the way forward is to really cut back or to completely stop. I feel like there’s a huge movement of people that are in this grey area that is not really talked about,” she says.

“A lot of the messages I’ve had are from women who have had very similar experiences,” Mackintosh explains. “I think everyone should actually do a 12-step program, whether you’re addicted to something or not, it will improve you and I know people in the programme who’ve found it life-changing. But I wanted people to realise there are so many different options out there. I put lots of resources in the book, different places, and different coaches that do group courses. I actually used a sober coach and that was really eye-opening and really helpful.”

Sober coaches are the product of a booming self-help industry in the UK and for some, they offer one-on-one and group support that can be more personalised and nuanced than more well-known recovery groups. There’s no “right way” to go sober and issues with alcohol and self-worth can manifest in all sorts of ways, no matter who you are – this is something Mackintosh felt acutely while writing Bad Drunk.

“I wasn’t dependent to the point of withdrawal and needing to drink every day. It was just that every time I drank, I wanted to just keep drinking and drinking and drinking and I didn’t know when to stop. My coach was the one who made me see how dangerous my behaviour around alcohol had become. He really helped me to understand the reasons behind wanting to drink in the way that I was and how destructive that was.”

“It was uncomfortable and in the beginning, I was like, ‘Why does he keep wanting to go back to my childhood? There’s nothing I need to talk about there.’ And then you get those breakthroughs and you’re like, ‘Oh, okay. I see’. There were sessions where I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere at all and it felt really hard and then there’d be one where I suddenly felt like I really saw the future. It’s been really nice to make some new sober friends as well.”

The no, low and sober curious community is growing by the day in the UK. There are booze-free clubs, bars and nights out, social gatherings and online meets. It’s a new world, entirely at odds with the binge-drinking culture of the early noughties that celebrated competitive boozing and saw Mackintosh in west London’s cocktail bars shooting episodes of Made in Chelsea. Now, she has a different view of what it means to have a good time and her priorities have changed.

“The message I want to get out there is that sobriety is sexy – sobriety is cool. I don’t think there’s enough like role models for people who are in this sober space.”

Mackintosh’s dedication to staying sober and healthy is a self-love lesson for the ages. Her daily routine alone shows she means business when it comes to looking after herself. She wakes at 5:45am and starts the day with transcendental meditation, followed by a shot of Symprove probiotic, has breakfast with her kids chased with an AG1 greens powder and then heads to a Pilates class. When she tells me she goes to bed at 8:45, I can’t help but admire her willpower.

“When you start valuing yourself and loving yourself, I think it becomes easier to have that strength,” she tells me. “Making that first big choice to stop drinking felt incredibly hard. And at that point, I actually really disliked myself, but that was the first step towards reclaiming my relationship with myself. ?And now I’m in a totally different place where I choose to exercise pretty much every morning because I know it’s going to make me feel good. I choose to not break into the habits I used to have. My only regret was not stopping sooner.”

Bad Drunk is available to buy now at Amazon.